NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Today I’m at the threshold of Chew the Fat Gym-Dandy Spa and— *gasps* What’s going on in here? *stares at all vigorous activity*
GIRL: *sitting at desk filing her nails* Hey, fella. Don’t just stand there. Time to get toned and tanned.
NOSEY: *glances around* Who’re you talking to?
GIRL: *raises brows* If anyone needs to sign up for Rocky Rolls’Sweat’em and Deck’em Marathon, it’s you.
NOSEY: Marathon? Me?…*points to himself* Uhhh… as in, um, you don’t mean…er, exercise?
GIRL: Yeah, what’s the matter? *pops bubblegum* You never heard the word before?
NOSEY: The ‘word’, as you put it, does not apply to me. *puffs out chest* Feast on this fine specimen of male eye candy.
GIRL: Puhlese! *gestures at Nosey’s middle* Maybe you better feast your eyes on your own pouches.
NOSEY: For your information, kid, that’s merely what makes me so magnetic.
GIRL: *rolls eyes* Ugh!
*Woman jogs over and grabs Nosey’s elbow* Did I hear you say you’re the official unofficial internet reporter?
NOSEY: Drew you over like a marshmallow to a bonfire, eh? *grins at girl* What’d I tell ya? This Nose attracts all the babes.
WOMAN: Babe? *glances from girl back to Nosey* Hm. Maybe I ought to introduce myself. I’m Julie Elizabeth Powell. C’mon. *pulls Nosey down aisle* We’ll have our interview in my regular spot.
NOSEY: Your spot? Ooh la la. Sounds kinda cool, heh heh, and— holy Jill Michaels! *gapes at two gym-attired girlies as they stroll by. Nosey’s jaw drops and he releases shrill whistle* Helloooo, dolls. *smoothes back hair with fast hand* Ahem. I could get to, ya know, sorta liking this place, heh heh.
JEP: Glad to hear it. So, then, can I… *pushes Nosey onto treadmill* sign you up for a membership?
NOSEY: Membership? *cranes neck to watch disappearing girlies* For what?
JEP: For my referral bonus.
NOSEY: I’m included with a bonus? Heh heh, this place has class, after all.
JEP: On second thought… *winces* With you, I’d probably only make about three cents.
NOSEY: Say, I’d go fast at that price.
JEP: *coughs* Whatever.
NOSEY: Hey! *jerks back as JEP straps a belt around Nosey*
JEP: Be still! *pushes ‘on’ button*
NOSEY: Whoa, horsey, stop! *legs gallop at lightning speed* Lady, I’m a Pukelitzer Award winning journalist, not a Kentucky Derby jockey!
JEP: Gimme a break. *snorts* It’s only a ‘baby crawl’ speed. Here.*clicks gear* Now you’re at ‘snail pace’. Better?
NOSEY: I, uh… *pants* I’ll take a message and… *gulps* get back to ya.
JEP: I’ll be right here. *jumps on 2nd treadmill beside Nosey and races at ‘melting legs’ speed* Let’s discuss my book, ‘Misadventures of Fat Woman’.
NOSEY: Where… *puffs* Where is she?
NOSEY: You know… *swipes back of hand across brow* Fatwoman.
JEP: That’s just the title of my book.
NOSEY: Uh huh. So. *gives labored breath* Ya got a blurb to go with that title?
JEP: *propeller legs zip right along, leaving Nosey behind in virtual smokecloud* You betcha. Andi has always been anxious about her weight and like many women, thinks that unless she is thin, she has no value.
NOSEY: *silence…except for wheezing and moaning*
JEP: *silence…except for running, sprinting, and pressing treadmill accelerator va va voom!*
NOSEY: *silence…except for wheezing and moaning*
JEP: *silence…except for — well, more of the above*
NOSEY: Hey, lady. *gives pained look at JEP* I’m dying here.
JEP: *whistles* Yeah! I just read those last four lines.
NOSEY: Well, then you gotta see… *loosens tie* I, like, really need that blurb.
JEP: I told you already.
NOSEY: What? When?
JEP: Didn’t you hear? My blurb is: ‘Andi has always been anxious about her weight and like many women, thinks that unless she is thin, she has no value’.
NOSEY: *frowns* Call that a blurb?
JEP: Of course.
NOSEY: *shakes head* Too skinny.
JEP: *shrugs* Blurbs are an odd creation; authors can either give away the whole plot, or be obscure to the point of ‘what is this’, or like me, can highlight the point of the book.
NOSEY: Yeah, but—
JEP: In this case, Andi and her weight and how she feels about it. Not all of my blurbs are as short, but, as with all of my writing, it’s finished when my mind says it is.
NOSEY: Yeah, but—
JEP: You know, Nosey. Like overworking a painting, it’s counter-productive.
NOSEY: Yeah, but—
JEP: Besides… *grins* I don’t stick to rules.
NOSEY: Don’t I know it!
JEP: *arches brow* How d’ya know?
NOSEY: By shoving me on this killing machine! *frantically pressesdifferent buttons* Where’s the ‘off’ gizmo?
JEP: Aw, another minute or two will do you good.
NOSEY: Good? Good? *screeches* I’m already good, lady. As in fabulous, fantastic, fit as any Hercules.
JEP: Really? Who says?
NOSEY: You gotta ask? My fan poster, that’s who.
JEP: *blinks in surprise* What fan poster?
NOSEY: The one that reads ‘I’m the Man, and Nothing but the Man’.
JEP: Wow. Where can I see that?
NOSEY: As if you don’t know. *snorts* That’s the slogan for my Bleachy Blonde fan club.
JEP: *giggles* Ah, I see. Well, a little exercise won’t hurt, Nosey. *gestures at his middle* There are a few rolls showing.
NOSEY: *slaps protective hand to cover bulge* Don’t get personal.
JEP: Ha, ha! Are you feeling insecure, Nosey? Doesn’t this prove that everyone has an Achilles’ heel?
NOSEY: Whaddaya mean? Who’s R. Killies?
JEP: What I mean is, I do believe that fat people get the rough end of the stick because they are thought to be at fault – completely.
NOSEY: Well, maybe, but—
JEP: I never judge a book by its cover, as they say, but I hope that folks like the cover of Misadventures Of Fatwoman enough to give it a try – yep, and laugh away the gloom.
NOSEY: *winded* Uh huh, but—
JEP: I do think that it’s a relatable book, where many women – and possibly men – will recognize the very real situations and sensations, and I hope it helps their battle!
*Macho muscular man with strong corded biceps and glistening muscles straining at T-shirt and mountains of muscles stacked on top of skyscraping muscles and – uh oh, said that already – well, anyway this really terrific dude strides up*
MAN: Julie, who’s your guest? *gazes Nosey up and down*
JEP: My interviewer, I.B. Nosey. Nosey, meet Rocky Rolls, trainer.
RR: *sneers* He’s gonna take a lot of work.
NOSEY: Fat lot you know, pal. *wheezes* I’m not taking any work, I’m at work.
RR: Well, you’ll be glad to hear that it’s your lucky day, man. You can sign up gratis for my class.
NOSEY: I’m not here for school.
JEP: Er, Nosey, he means—
NOSEY: Anyway, I wouldn’t sign up for nothing even if you offered it for free.
JEP: Ahem. *chuckles* Don’t you like a good value, Nosey?
NOSEY: Huh uh. Nope. Not interested. Uhhh… whad’ya mean?
JEP: Isn’t it obvious? I think most of the Western world is aware of image, especially that of women. The media’s constantly spouting how women should look and it’s certainly filtered to men too.…
NOSEY: What’re ya talking about including men? *gets indignant* In case you haven’t noticed, my image is hunky good.
JEP: Hm. Be that as it may, all I’m saying is that I only know about how I feel as a woman. Someone once said that you can never be too rich or too thin – and that is constantly bombarded throughout the lives of women.
NOSEY: Yeah. So, what’s your point?
JEP: So, appreciate value, because consider. Andi believes she has no value because – in this case – she is fat…as this book is about weight and not money.
NOSEY: Uh huh. *looks around and whispers* It’s not about Gum Drop Island chocolates, right?
RR: *scowls* I heard that. Wait a minute, you two. This is a health club! Are you smuggling in little nasties? *eyes narrow*And I know how you’re doing it. Stashing ‘em in the tip of that weirdly glowing microphone, right? *grabs at Nosey’s microphone*
NOSEY: This is the one, the original, the only atomic battery microphone, and— it belongs to me!
RR: Something’s… *frowns and shakes mike* fishy with this thing.
NOSEY: I dropped a slice of anchovy pizza on it. *snatches mike back* Do you mind?
JEP: Er, it’s nothing, RR. Really. *leans closer to Nosey* So you know, huh?
NOSEY: Yeah, I… *gulps* B-b-but Andi didn’t – did she?
JEP: *nods* I’m afraid it’s true. She’s eaten 25 boxes of Gum Drop Island chocolates every day!
NOSEY: *grips microphone tighter* But they don’t cause weight gain! Honest! They can’t!
JEP: Of course not! Don’t you think I know that each delicious bite of Gum Drop Island candy is virtually calorie-free — seeing as how it’s only virtual, I mean.
NOSEY: Uhhh… say that again.
JEP: There’s no need, Nosey, because she even states the kinds of things she eats, but enjoys what are considered no-nos, such as cake – and on her, one bite can add pounds! However, no matter how hard she tries, the weight sticks to her like a nappy on a sumo-wrestler.
NOSEY: A – a nappy? Oh, you mean… *clutches stomach* Man, I gotta stop this merry-go-round ride.
JEP: Oops, sorry. Probably a bad analogy, but really, the point I’m making is that even if she could be her ‘ideal’ weight, she’d forever think of herself as ugly. It becomes engrained.
NOSEY: I know the world is in love with Gum Drop Island candy, but for someone to chow down on 25 boxes—
JEP: Andi’s not in love with the candy, Nosey. *laughs* She already has a romance in her life.
NOSEY: I know that.
JEP: You do?
NOSEY: Sure. She’s asked to be president of my fan club. *smirks*That gal’s head over heels for me.
JEP: Let me see if I can put this delicately… I’m sure she would be, Nosey, but I think her husband would have something to say about that.
NOSEY: *blinks in alarm* Whoa, that could turn into an ‘ouchy’ situation.
JEP: Possibly, but I can’t say too much because it would spoil the plot. Nevertheless, she’s been through a terrible time. Ray is her second husband, the first disaster being attached to her insecurities and weight; therefore, she has trouble believing anyone could love her.
NOSEY: I gotta tell ya, Ms. Powell… *exhales* this is one wild, different kind of story and— uh, not to mention seasick treadmills.
JEP: Well, here. *chuckles* Let me slow it down even more.*switches gear* My six hours is about up, anyway.
NOSEY: Six hours! You ride this thing that long?
JEP: How else do you think I stay in shape?
NOSEY: Why do you bother? *gestures wildly* You’re already so dynamic looking.
JEP: Oh, thank you, Nosey. *flutters lashes* But what do you think inspired me to become like this?
NOSEY: *scratches head* I dunno. You tell me.
JEP: Andi’s story.
JEP: Yes! I’ve battled with weight problems all my life. Even as a child -although, when I look at those pictures I wasn’t fat at all. It’s strange how the opinions of others can defeat us and make us think we are of no value.
NOSEY: Well, yeah, I guess, but—
JEP: That sea-saw through life inspired me to write about the feelings involved, although it had to be done using humor. It’s the only way to beat the negative, and is a wonderful shield.
NOSEY: It is?
JEP: Uh huh. Because if you don’t laugh at such things then you’d break down – or smash folks in the face with that cream cake.
*Gals wearing boxing gloves hurry up to RR*
GAL ONE: Rocky, we got a problem. Hammer-Hand Hannah destroyed the last punching bag. What’re we gonna do?
HHH: I’m in adrenalin overdrive. *gloved fists punch air* Gotta slug something, gotta knock out something! Pow! Pow!
GAL ONE: Easy, Hannah. Rocky’ll come up with an idea. Won’t ya, Rock?
RR: Absolutely. *gives sly grin* And it’s right here. *grabs Nosey and hoists him up* Brand new punching bag, Hannah. Go to it! *RR’s iron grip squeezes Nosey in a not-so-cuddly hug*
GAL ONE: Lookit, Rocky. His pouches! *points at Nosey’s middle*They’re bursting open!
HHH: And what d’ya know? They’re crammed with Gum Drop Island candy. *licks lips*
RR: *snarls* I knew something was rotten with this guy! *drops Nosey and he falls –splat!- against mounds of glistening Gum Drop Island chocolate*
GALS: Whoo hoo! Let’s dive in! *moves to gobble up Nosey’s horde*
RR: Keep away! Didn’t you hear JEP? Andi ate 25 boxes a day and now she’s called Misadventures of Fatwoman.
GAL ONE: *counters* Didn’t you listen? JEP also said these yummy babies are ‘virtually calorie-free’.
NOSEY: And not only that… *leaps to feet* They’re mine! *brushes down sides of blazer* Sheesh, can’t a guy keep his dessert private anymore?
HHH: No, a guy can’t. *shakes fist under Nosey’s jaw* You’re sharing them, fella!
NOSEY: Ahhh… *nervous chuckle* I don’t think so! *snatches up candy in one single swipe… (dear reader, if you’re a regular visitor to this blog, you know he has lots of practice doing this)… and makes a ‘clean’ getaway by fleeing stage left*
HHH: And what are we gonna do, people? *shouts to everyone in room*
CROWD: *roars* That candy’s ours! *en-masse, they torpedo behind Nosey in one wild-eyed, crazed, give-me-my-Gum-Drop-Island-mouth-drooling hot footed pursuit*
JEP: But, Nosey! *calls out* I wanted to thank you and everyone who reads my books. You can’t leave now!
NOSEY: Sorry, Ms. Powell. *voice fades in distance* But I don’t let nobody steal nothing from this reporter!
RR: Ha! Then how come I… *raises object above head in victory stance* have your atomic-anchovy microphone!
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